


Artistic Intentions

by primaverala



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alpha Azumane Asahi, Alpha Kageyama Tobio, Alpha Tsukishima Kei, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anxious Yamaguchi Tadashi, Childhood Friends, Depressed Yamaguchi Tadashi, Forbidden Love, Karasuno Family, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mentioned Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Omega Hinata Shouyou, Omega Nishinoya Yuu, Omega Sugawara Koushi, Omega Yamaguchi Tadashi, Pining, Social Issues, Team Parents Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:15:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28403877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/primaverala/pseuds/primaverala
Summary: "Maybe, he couldn’t understand why Tsukki could ever want Hinata, no matter how much he thought.  As he is only looking at the final product, a blind beta inspecting the dynamic world, he is unaware of an artist’s intentions, of biology’s cruel fate, he could never understand the true meaning behind a portrait."Tsukishima is engaged to an advantageous marriage with someone close to home. Tadashi wishes he was another gender, included in the narrative. Even if he gets his wish, he never has the right timing.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Artistic Intentions

Tadashi has to say that the best part of his day is walking home with Tsukishima from school.

Tsukishima is usually just walking along, completely silent, but just walking in the presence of someone makes a dreary walk better.

Well, Tadashi should clarify. It’s not just walking with anyone- he could walk with, say Hinata, but it wouldn’t be the same. It would be disastrous to him, wondering if he should say something, what he should say, if they prefer silence, if they feel awkward… Tadashi shivers at the minefield that is small talk. He does fine in social situations normally, but when it comes to when he has nothing to say, Tadashi could feel his anxiety, slivering and cloying, choke him then.

It’s simple with Tsukishima. If they want to say something, they’ll say it. Otherwise, they walk home, the kind of silence that Tadashi likes. That feeling is special, only felt with his best friend. The sky is almost dark, and Tadashi’s house is down the street. He waves Tsukishima goodbye, “See you tomorrow!” But Tsukishima stops him, “Yamaguchi,” Tadashi turns to face him, “Yeah?”

Tsukishima stands there in the street, on the verge of something, before Tadashi could see him shake his head. “Nothing. Good night, Yamaguchi.” Tadashi smiles back, “Good night, Tsukki!” He turns to walk down his street. If he turned back he would see that Tsukishima was still watching him. He did not.

“I wonder what that was about?” Tadashi looked up at the sky. It was so clear, Tadashi could see the stars shining brilliantly. He sighs, frosted breath whipping back in his face. Tadashi burrows further into his coat, it was getting cold fast.

‘I hope Tsukishima isn’t cold walking home…’

Tadashi does not like or hate Tuesdays. But, he has an amazing reason to have a vendetta against this Tuesday when afternoon practice rolled around.

Daichi had called the team for a meeting after practice had ended, and invited Hinata to share a statement. Hinata got up, an out of character look of upset on the Omega’s face. 

“I… I have to leave in a week… It’s personal.”

Silence enveloped the Karasuno Team. Tadashi could hear a sharp intake of breath from Kageyama, sitting three people away from him. There were mixed reactions, from complete shock to simple confusion, but all the members seemed to do two things-

1)Look at Hinata, then  
2)Look at Kageyama with a face of pity, as if they were sly, and not completely obvious.

Even Tadashi caught himself doing it, but he looked away quickly. He wasn’t scared of Kageyama, most of the time, but for usually being an open book like Hinata, his face looked considerably blank for realizing his teammate was leaving.

Well, ‘teammate’. Or whatever. No one knew exactly what the Quick Duo was, (not even themselves, Tadashi hypothesized) but this absence from Hinata did not sound good, outside of the fact that Hinata, a starter on the team, was leaving. 

This spelled disaster, but Hinata smiled thinly, face pale and quivering, before sitting back down (next to Ennoshita and Suga? Tadashi frowns)

Tadashi knew it didn’t really affect him. He couldn’t imagine being Kageyama in this situation. He turned to Tsukishima, waiting to see if he was ready to go. He came out of the locker rooms a while later, and they started to walk home. Tadashi looked away, “So, Hinata is leaving, huh? Are you happy?” Tadashi joked, unsure of how to feel about this new development. He looked up to see how Tsukishima reacted, but Tsukishima was looking ahead. Tadashi turned away, falling silent. Alright.

“You know my clan name right?” Tadashi stared up at Tsukishima, confused. His clan name? “Of course. ‘The Moon Clan’, right?” Tadashi said. He didn’t know why Tsukishima asked, considering he knew that Tadashi memorized the kanji and symbolism for his name by heart. Tadashi knew it the most, second to his own- Yamaguchi, a line of pioneers in the mountainous areas down east. Boring to Tadashi, but some could say it was a good last name. Not as prestigious of a family name like Tsukishima- priests of the Moon Deity, but it was sturdy, and technically had roots to a homeplace, an ancestry to go by.

Tsukishima nodded, and Tadashi wondered what he was getting at. “Well, my brother Akiteru should have been the one to get sold off,” he growled, and Tadashi only shook his head at the overdramatics. “But I’ve been engaged to someone recently.” 

Tadashi felt a stone sink to the bottom of his stomach. Oh. “Really? Do you like them?” Tadashi knows his voice sounds weird, even to his own ears drowned in mud. His face hurts, and he swallows, ignoring the wetness behind his eyes. It’s dark outside, it’s fine since no one can see. Tsukishima laughs, bitterly. Tadashi loves the sound even if he hates it when Tsukishima acts like this. “Yeah. Love them. Well, they’ve sold me off to a great courtship with a certain moron from the Sun Clan.”

‘Moron? Sun Clan?’ Tadashi thinks numbly, before all the dots are connected and Tadashi suddenly feels violently sick.

Tsukishima waits for Tadashi to fully realize the connotations behind his words, but he says nothing else. Tsukishima stops at an intersection Tadashi thinks is familiar. He cranes his head, squinting through blurred vision. He’d wipe his eyes, but Tsukishima is staring at him, and Tadashi knows that Tsukishima can already tell that he’s crying. Tadashi wants to punch Tsukishima in the face, but it’d be an useless denial when his vulnerability is already on the table.

It looks like his street name. It may be. Tadashi dimly thinks that this is the time, where he would turn and walk down the street, as if everything’s fine. What’s next after that, say goodbye? ‘Goodbye, Tsukki!’ His lips are quivering, he tries to spare his dignity. He finds he doesn’t care much about that in the first place, which is good because there isn’t any there, tears falling while his best friend watches on without a word. Tsukishima waits for him to go down his street, keen eyes watching him go, and Tadashi doesn’t look back. Because that’s what they do everyday.

Tadashi keeps walking, until he stops half-way down the street.   
He’s pretty sure he understands how Kageyama feels.

A sob, low and alien to Tadashi’s ears, breaks from his lips.

He’s sure he understands real well.

Tadashi will be fine. Well, he’ll try to be fine.

He sees Tsukishima there in the morning, waiting for him at the end of his street like he always does.

He realizes that Tsukishima doesn’t want anything to change. Tadashi feels anger- how could Tsukishima pretend that nothing has happened? He looks up at Tsukishima, his eyes narrowed, searching for a reaction from the Beta. 

Tadashi walks to school with him, and their steps almost land in equal time. He speeds up, falling behind Tsukishima’s long legs. Tsukishima is strong and sturdy next to him, the blur of familiar color in the corner of his eye- the black of his jacket, the strap of his bag, light blue. He wishes he knew what Tsukishima smelt like, but he’s just a Beta, his own body holding him back from doing so. In more ways than one, his body is the enemy.

Just because everything’s changed doesn’t mean his heart recognizes that fact, and everything’s terribly, soothingly normal, and it’s hot water on an aching burn. The hot water was useful at one time, to bathe and cook and make tea, a soothing tool, but now that normalcy stings at the harsh contrast.

The weather is as normal as usual, and it’s chilly outside today. It rarely rains during a funeral. Tadashi looks up, and notices how Tsukishima bought his scarf with him. Tadashi can imagine his bored frown that’s covered by the slip of red fabric.

Actually, Tadashi dimly remembers that he gave Tsukishima the scarf. It was Christmas-time, and Tadashi, having just become friends with Tsukishima, had no idea what to give his new friend.

The eight year old glanced out the window, watching the snowflakes gently fall. The world seemed to be coated in white, “Ma, what should I get Tsukki?” His mom looked up from her book, smiling. She remembered when Tadashi had brought the young boy home. He was quiet, but Yamaguchi-san figured that the boy was a perfect friend for Tadashi. 

Tadashi’s mom stood up, looking out the window with her son. “I don’t know, Tada-tan, what does he like?” 

Tadashi looked at his feet, growing confused. “Well, I know he likes dinosaurs, and card games, but he already has most card games we play together, and I don’t know what dinosaur figurines he has already!” Yamaguchi-san pursed her lips, “Maybe you can give him a new toy? Something he might like?”

Tadashi shook his head, staring outside. It was extremely cold outside, the trees and roads giving off a frosty sheen. Tadashi feels cold inside the cozy house, just thinking of how bitter it was out there. Tadashi looked up to his mom, smiling exuberantly, “I know! I can give him a scarf? Or… I can make one! That’s even better. He doesn’t have one, and it’s so cold!”

Yamaguchi-san stared down at her son, a smile adorning his face warmly. A scarf? It was out of the norm for a child to want to give his friend a clothing item, of all things. But Tada-tan seemed very pleased with himself, “Of course, that sounds like a good idea. It’d be very useful to him.” Tada-tan seemed even more pleased in himself at the mention of its usefulness. Yamaguchi-san was perplexed, but overall happy for this change. Her son doubted himself a lot, but when it comes to his new friend he was a nonstop talker. 

Yamaguchi-san smiled, “Alright. Do you want to start to work on knitting it? I can start it for you, if you want?” Tadashi shook his head. “No thanks! I’m going to do it all by myself!” 

Yamaguchi-san watched her son go, a gleam in his eyes, and thanked whatever God there was for the change in her son. She guessed his new friend had something to do with it, smiling warmly as she turned back to watch the winter snow, drifting, falling.

Tadashi could feel a smile on his face, even if it was faint. He remembered making the scarf, many years ago. He was so frustrated back then- he kept missing a stitch and having to unravel the entire project, then redo it all again. After many days, he finally finished it though, and he remembered how nervous he was to give it to Tsukishima. 

Tadashi let out a breath, frosty breath whipping his face. He shivered unconsciously. Tsukishima said he loved it. 

Tsukishima made a sound, low in his throat, Tadashi snapped out of his thoughts, looking up to the Alpha. “Are you cold, Yamaguchi?”

Tadashi shook his head, “No! No, it’s fine. We’re almost there, so,” he quickly muttered, embarrassed at his reaction. He couldn’t even talk to his best friend right. Tsukishima nodded, staring ahead again, and Tadashi felt like he could breathe again, even if his chest still felt tight.

Everything is just like normal, right? Tadashi disagrees, even if Tsukishima plays the role as if it is so.

A week later and watching a practice match between the Neighborhood Association, he tenses when he feels a touch on his shoulder. Turning around, he relaxes as it’s just Sugawara, but his concerned face makes Tadashi on edge. 

“Hey, are you alright? You haven’t been looking so good. I’m assuming you know of Tsukishima’s…” Tadashi paled. How did Sugawara know? Suga apparently seemed to read minds, as he shook his head, “It’s fine,” He spoke, hushed. “Only Daichi, I, Coach Ukai and Takeda know of Tsukishima’s… Absence,” 

Tadashi flinched at that, but when he opened his eyes he felt Suga’s concerned gaze on him intensify, and regretted doing so. “I understand if you’re upset. Please reach out, to me…” Tadashi met Suga’s eyes, preemptively nodding. He felt trapped, even if he technically shouldn’t as Sugawara was an Omega. “Or someone on the team, you know? We all care about you alot, Yamaguchi.” Suga’s hand fell off his shoulder, and Tadashi rolled his shoulder where his hand once was. His shoulders relaxed, but his muscles still felt tense.

The Omega turned, and Tadashi turned away also, to watch the game. He didn’t really comprehend what was happening, mind still whirling as he analyzed Sugawara’s words. Reach out for help? It sounds nice, at first, but he wouldn’t even know what to do.

Complain? Cry? About how he, well, wanted Tsukishima? 

He looked around the court, mostly made of two secondary genders- Alphas, and Omegas.

His heart panged for the struggles some of his teammates go through because of their gender. He remembers Nishinoya, running into the gym during practice, upset and stormy-faced after being harassed during his pre-heat, not speaking a word until the next day. So Tadashi can imagine their confusion and righteous anger at his wanting to be an Omega so badly, just so he could have Tsukishima.

It’s not natural. For both of them. Tadashi stares at his hands, his fingers thin but his body tall, too masculine. His nails dig into his palms. He wishes he didn’t live in this body. Maybe then it wouldn’t be obscene. He’d be smaller, something to dote on and protect, not something that can stand alone. Tadashi doesn’t want to be alone anymore.

But how terrible is that? To classify in his mind the gender that his friends and families were as weak- his teammates, his teachers, his own mother. All because he’s upset Tsukishima has many reasons not to be attracted to someone like him. Disgusting.

He drops his hands to his side, and stares up, up, up to a face he knows. Tsukishima rubs the back of his neck, sweat dripping down. Tadashi would stare into his eyes, and he wonders if Tsukishima would notice the weight of his gaze, and stare back. He feels something, low and burning in the bottom of his stomach from a gaze that isn’t even reciprocated. He likes to imagine.

To the side, there is Hinata, a vision to see. His hair gleams bright, his face perpetually beautiful in a vibrant way, something only Omegas could ever capture. Even from here Tadashi can see the sharp edges, rounded where it matters, of the decoy’s silhouette, petite and entrancing. He talks to Kageyama, a shadow, a protector with nothing left to protect anymore, standing tall and looming. Two sharp contrasts that fit together- the idealized dream.

The scene comes straight from a painting, one to imagine under the blindingly bright stadium lights, and Tadashi imagines reaching out and stepping in frame, but the still-life has already been finalized. There is no space left for him in it.

He sees his teammates faces once more, and their imagined responses to his affection, adoration, for his childhood best friend. His nails leave imprints, moon-shaped and he remembers a certain name.

Beta is safe, Tadashi knows as he’s been told. But it’s worth nothing in the scheme of things.

They’re getting changed after evening practice, muted conversation could be heard across the locker room, and Tadashi whips his head around when he hears someone slam their locker shut. He looked at Nishinoya, who was facing… Hinata. Hinata turned to the libero, eyes warm as he smiled, “What is it, Nishinoya?”

Tadashi, to this day, had never seen Nishinoya’s face so emotionless, before it cracked, a wave of emotions, a spot-the-difference game set on easy, his face splintering into rage. 

“It’s not fair!” Nishinoya snarled, Hinata took a step back, the entire room shuttering into stillness. “They can’t just pull you out of school! They… Can’t let this happen!” The entirety of the Karasuno Volleyball Team fell silent, so silent they could hear Nishinoya breathing, harsh and loud in the silence of the club room, said boy’s shouting reverberating off the walls.

A ‘slam’ of a locker closed the moment, like the ending of a story. Tadashi stared at Kageyama’s back as he stormed out of the club room. Kageyama’s partner, the other half of the duo, an elephant in the room, stood small and still. Hinata looked at Nishinoya, silent. It was a fragile moment, one that any overbalance of power could break and shatter. 

Soft, silent, as if not to break, “It’s not school, Nishinoya, it’s only the Volleyball Club, that they’re,” Hinata trailed off, eyes falling to the floor, and before someone could reach out, he left, a shadow of Kageyama, Nishinoya watched him leave, hand opened but body frozen.

Hinata had left his locker open, practice clothes still on the bench, left discarded, and no one dared to close it shut. Tadashi cautiously looked up. Nishinoya, who stood there, all anger gone, sadness shining under the inspection of lights. He had turned away, and Tadashi could feel the shame in every shaking line, coiling away from the gaze of the team. He would reach out, but the emotion of the room he could only see, not scent, he was useless in decoding the running undertones, the frequency too high for his dull eyes and mind.

All he could see was the portrait, not the encoded message lying in the technique. Rushed and hurried strokes, compared to flowing lines on a canvas, he was a normal person in a room of connoisseurs. 

So all he could see was how Nishinoya’s body shook. Tadashi noted how pale Nishinoya’s face looked in the locker room's yellow lights, how his face was usually a warm flush. He was a picture made perfect, warm and treasured, and now he was the museum after hours, the doors closed and done for the day. Nishinoya’s bright eyes were turned off. When would he look normal again?

Tadashi blinks and Nishinoya’s gone. He blinks again and everyone is getting changed, and everyone has moved a muscle except Tadashi, standing still like an actor in the background, so he shoves his practice clothes in his bag.

He’s standing outside with Tsukishima. It’s the time between sunset and night time, and the sky is faded purple. It’s beautiful, and Tadashi would normally point it out, finger shaping the point of the skyline that he finds best. Tadashi’s stomach is lurching, everything turned inside out, and he doesn’t feel so beautiful. 

Tsukishima looks down at him, and Tadashi doesn’t know what emotion he sees, even when he tries to seek the layer underneath. Tsukishima’s barriers are too strong, and Tadashi doesn’t have the right softness to crumble them. It’s not enough. 

“I have to leave too.” Tadashi almost stops, but he focuses on walking instead. 1 and 2, 1 and 2. “But a week after Hinata.” Tadashi could feel Tsukishima’s gaze leave him, he stares up, and sees Tsukishima staring straight ahead, as if he was discussing the weather, headphones in hand. “I’ll be back for Volleyball also. The week I’m gone is for the marriage ceremony.” He spit the words out, disgust soaking through and staining his words, and Tadashi wants to scream. 

Because this was not Tsukishima. Tsukishima would stop this, brush it away like he did everything he disliked. A look of disapproval and a smart scheme to get out of it, playing innocent the entire time. Cocky and condescending after, rubbing it in the adults faces for being stupid enough to fall for it. But this was not something he could leave, brush away with a smirk. Would he even want to? All of Tadashi’s intuition said yes, he would want to, because why in the world would Tsukishima Kei want to be bonded with Hinata Shouyou? But the probability, while rare, this possibility still remains, a card that Tadashi is taunted by.

Maybe, he couldn’t understand why Tsukki could ever want Hinata, no matter how much he thought. As he is only looking at the final product, a blind beta inspecting the dynamic world, he is unaware of an artist’s intentions, of biology’s cruel fate, he could never understand the true meaning behind a portrait. So maybe Tadashi doesn’t know why Tsukishima would allow himself to become Hinata’s. He never will, he’s blind in a world of artists.

And as the sky turns black, and fades into the morning sun, Tadashi paints the scene in his mind, to grasp at the idea that he’ll deny his gender’s fate, he’ll be the one to understand- Nishinoya’s shaking limbs, Hinata’s turned face, Kageyama’s broad back like a spiraling storm, and Tsukishima’s eyes burning, burning him bright.

The moment in the club room, as breakable as glass, did not break the balancing scales. Instead, everything unraveled, and Tadashi knew, like a ball of yarn used to create a certain Alpha’s scarf, these events would spiral until nothing was left.

Tadashi dreams of a world that’s definite.

In this world, Tsukishima, tall for his age Tsukishima, stares at the gift box in Tadashi’s hand. “What’s this for?” Tadashi smiles, a mouth full of wires. He just got his braces on that November, and he chose green for his band colors (“It’s my favorite color!” He told Tsukishima happily, before covering his mouth. Later, Tsukishima called him out on it, telling him that no one cared about his braces, and that he looked ‘Fine, so stop being so jumpy.’) 

“Oh. I forgot to get you a gift.” Tsukishima looked away, an expression of casual ‘coolness’ that Tadashi, an older version of himself overviewing the scene, knows he’ll perfect over the years. He’ll get experience as he becomes more popular, presenting as an Alpha at the end of elementary school. An early bloomer that stood out with his towering height and new scent. And Tadashi will have lots of experience with looking on, as Tsukishima coolly rejects every confession, every offer.

“It’s fine, open it!” 

Tsukishima looked at it, opening it carefully. Tadashi never understood how Tsukishima opened his presents, gently, slowly, peeling the wrapping paper to get the least amount of tears possible. “Do you save the wrapping paper?” Tsukishima looked up, a slight frown on his lips. Tadashi could see the sign of his intelligence and wit, framed by mockery in the shape of an arched eyebrow. He can paint it by hand.

“No. Why would I?” Tadashi scratched his head, he could feel his face becoming warm, but he laughed instead. That was something only Tsukki would do- do something strange, then be confused when others question him about it. ‘It’s just the normal thing to do,’ “I don’t know. You just open it really carefully, I thought you may use it later, so you don’t...You know, tear it.” 

Tsukishima shook his head, looking up to Tadashi, still leaning against his desk, “I bet you tear into your paper then. How distasteful, you animal.” The words, spoken plainly, sounded funny to Tadashi’s eight year old ears. ‘Distasteful’ The word repeated in his head, spoken primly and properly, like those British shows, with the fancy accents and costumes they watched while learning English. He imagined Tsukishima, pouty eight year old boy Tsukishima, in a dress with petticoats and frills, makeup done up with white powder like the authentic British ladies, and snorted.

Tsukishima stared up at him, like he was a strange alien from another world. He didn’t smile, but Tadashi knew that Tsukishima still found it funny, in how he didn’t say a word. Instead, he continued to open his present. Tadashi’s laughter quieted as the anticipation became dreadful. He felt like he was on trial, a judge weighing his crimes. Would he like it? He ran a strand of his brown hair through his fingers, limbs shaky. He remembered making the scarf- Sunday mornings spent knitting instead of going outside, every row and stitch. The time he spent on it he was thankful for, any problems he had while making it became meaningless as he watched Tsukishima open the gift. All the struggle was worth it, he hoped.

Tsukishima stayed silent, the scarf in his hands. The wrapping paper lay scattered around his desk, and Tadashi impulsively cleaned it up. Much for being a distasteful animal. Tsukishima was still staring at the scarf by the time he came back. Tadashi didn’t know what to do, apologize? Brush it off with a joke?

“Ha.. I know, so silly. Sorry your gift is really boring,” Tsukishima looked up at him, confused. “No, that’s not it. At least, you’re not like my relatives,” Tsukishima set the scarf into his bag, folding it and placing it on top of his books. “My great aunt gave me ‘Power Rangers’ for a birthday ‘gift’ this year, Tadashi. Power Rangers.” Tadashi giggled at the disgust in the taller boy’s tone. “You mean you don’t like playing with toys made for a five year old?” Tsukishima looked at him with a face that said it all, and Tadashi cheekily grinned.

Later that day, walking out of school, he did what he did everyday, wait for Tsukishima to get out of class. Not a second later, he saw a certain blond boy, tall for his age Tsukishima, and if he looked closely enough, he could see a flash of red wrapped around his neck.

Tadashi beamed, walking home with his best friend. Though Tsukishima did not say a word, Tadashi could tell he was happy too. He could feel it in the steps they took.


End file.
